Loyalty matters. It was Woodrow Wilson who said, “Loyalty means nothing unless it has at its heart the absolute principle of self-sacrifice." I have loyalties to Broad Street Oyster Co and have supported them since they opened in Malibu pre-Covid, have built an empire stretching from Ghirardelli Square to Huntington Beach, they are nice people with lots of vehicles and a lovely boy named Walter. 

I am loyal to Zinque Malibu, a place where I spend an inordinate amount of time, often ask for ice and sometimes take up too much space and chairs as I am doing right now, on a gray Saturday morning in November. And again on a sunny Sunday afternoon, bemoaning the Niners loss to the Rams.

I was loyal to Malibu Kitchen and have now placed my loyalty with Scott’s Malibu Market, because they are all working hard despite COVID and firestorms and everything else.

And I am loyal to the Vision and Mission Statement of Malibu, which proclaims, in part: “Malibu is a unique land and marine environment and residential community whose citizens have historically evidenced a commitment to sacrifice urban and suburban conveniences in order to protect that environment and lifestyle, and to preserve unaltered natural resources and rural characteristics.”

In the past I have lobbed snide grenades at Cross Creek Ranch - a review called Kith Your Money Goodbye and another about Pura Vida Miami - which stated that the incredibly expensive and Larger Than You Think Cross Creek Ranch is a little too suburban and commercial and not philosophically convenient to Malibu citizens: Like a big chunk of Irvine swirled through the air like Dorothy’s house and landed in Irvine, squishing that Vision and Mission Statement.and curling its toes. 

All the rest of SoCal is one unending, overdeveloped, population-dense, concrete-jungle, strip- and shopping mall from Oxnard to the Mexican border. Can’t just one place - the Malibu - avoid that pretty please?

It could be worse. Anywhere else in SoCal, the 15 acres of Legacy Park and the 9.3 acre Chili Cook Off property and 5-acre property east of the Chili Cook Off Property hidden behind City Hall, and five-acre Bell Property and the 9+ acre swampy protected wetland below and to the east of the Bell Property and the two-acre triangle below that and the Surf Canyon and the Perenchio golf course any other square inch of dirt would be paved paradises with parking lots, First Pointe apartments, more shopping malls or centers or whatever you want to call them. 

The center of bizarro, unprotected, Uno Reverse Malibu could be almost 50 additional acres of commercial and residential gack on some of the most valuable property in California or the world.  But those 50 acres are now the expensive duck pond of Legacy Park and open dirt, and that’s not likely to change any time soon. 

Be happy. Keep Malibu Country.

CLAUDIA TAYLOR’S HEARTS OF TREES LOST AT CROSS CREEK RANCH

For local color the Cross Creek Ranch features an installation of Claudia Taylor’s post-Woolsey sculpture series Hearts of Trees Lost which stand tall on the patio under the Clark's marquee:”These trees are "totems of resilience" for our land and community,” the artist explained. “ The burnt manzanita burls were found along our beaches after the fire, the clay rings are inscribed with memories and quotes from the collective experience.” 

So all those loyalty asides aside, on a Saturday in November,  I enticed an elite entourage of well-traveled, well-fed sophisto gourmands to visit Clark's Oyster Bar - the new kid in a town that is one-third less than it was a year ago, and might be on the verge of having too many restaurants for a diminishing population and tourist visitation.

Having actually left Malibu for a few weeks to take the train up to Seattle to pick up a vehicle in the state of Washington State and drive it back down, I am no longer a dorky, impoverished writer on an electric bike, but a dorky, impoverished writer in a 2002 Ford Expedition, which just barely fit under the 7’ 2” maximum height for the underground parking at Cross Creek Ranch. 

That parking garage is an eye-opener - a big city, Santa Monica-class underground parking garage with what seems to be a couple hundred spaces, valet parking, electric chargers and other accoutrement which gives a hint as to how big this complex of urban and suburban conveniences is. 

(That parking garage gave the construction guys fits because of the water table problems. They would come for breakfast and lunch at Malibu Kitchen when it was still Malibu Kitchen, cursing and spitting about the difficulty of going underground so close to Malibu Lagoon, and the ocean. 

And will they ever fill all those spaces? If that Malibu > Santa Monica > Marina del Rey > Long Beach > Malibu ferry happens, maybe they could work a deal to use that underground parking for ferry parking. Just a symbiotic thought.)

Malibu is an early to bed, late to rise sort of small town, so emerging from the parking garage at ground level, it was not surprising to see almost all of the shops were closed by 8:00. I passed by Ray Ban, Le Labo Perfume, The Great, Frame and it was good to see local colors Frankie’s Bikinis and Lucy’s Sunroom were up and running.

Where Cross Creek Ranch was a hyper-expensive, brand-spanking-new-but-empty ghost town for what seemed like years is now filling up with color and light and signage and products and those urban and suburban conveniences - so it’s less doomed and more welcoming.

This is a first-rate, thoroughly moden shopping complex that cost $130,000,000++++  all in. Risky business in this shaky economy, when retail is going the way of the dodo bird. And office space too.

I came in the back way through the parking garage, but Clarks is there flanking the main entrance directly across from Kith and easily accessible from Civic Center Way. This joint will most likely benefit from that location, location, location and beckon Malibu citizens who otherwise wouldn’t be caught dead there. 

I had made a hopeful reservation for six sophistos at 8:00 and was fixing to sit at the bar for a while before they showed, but the smiling, professional uniformed ladies lead me directly to the table where I took in first impressions of Clark’s Oyster Bar.

In a word: Social. In another word: LOUD!!!! This is the new kid in a town of citizens who come from behind fences and gates and up from the beach and down from the hills to rumble socially and it was packed, noisy, bubbling. Like the complex it’s in, everything in Clark’s is shiny as a new penny and pleasing to the eye: An aquarium on the way in with tropical fish, a marlin on the wall, kind of funky/chic slotted letter sign/letter boards or whatever you call them listing:

Four kinds of West Coast Oysters, four kinds of East Coast Oysters, a Crudo Plate (Feat.  tuna, cobia, sake. hamachi).

There was some Go Dodgers! loyalty and then Austin ‘12, Aspen ‘18, Houston ‘23, Montecito ‘24, Menlo ‘25 and Malibu ‘25. 

What was that? Featured American wines and vintages? Oh nope, those are the other locations of Clark’s and the years they opened. A chain!!! In Malibu?!?!?!?!? Settle down.

The Featured Wine was on the other board: PYCM Bourgogne Blanc. And above that, The Catch of the Day on this Friday in November was seared Barnegat scallops,  Mt. Lassen Steelhead Trout (shame!), Pan Roasted Halibut,  Whole Grilled Branzino and Pan Roasted Grouper.

In my head I was thinking like Monsieur Creosote from Monty Python’s Meaning of Life: “I’ll take the LOT and DON’T SKIMP ON THE PATE!!!.” Then I scanned the actual menu and saw more Wonderful Things. And the prices were…. Somewhere between reasonable and Bujee: Oysters are $4.50 each but .50 off for their Monday - Friday Happy Hour from 3:00 to 5:00. 

The Pan Roasted Black Angus Hamburger (Feat.  Sauce Gribiche & Gruyere) with Clark’s Fries or Slaw are $28 but half off at the weekday Happy Hour. 

Highest price I could find was $165 for 30 grams of Golden Kaluga, Qiandao Lake - one of five Sustainable Caviars with Classic Accompaniments & Warm Cornmeal Blini.

Hoping against hope for some righteous French Onion Soup was a no go, but at one end of the Specialities menu was Clam Chowder for $16. At the other end of the Specialties menu there is the $64 Oak Grilled Prime New York Strip (Feat. Hazelnut Romesco, Salsa Verde, Sunchokes.)

An octopus’ garden of earthly delights and it will take some time for Malibu gourmands to sample the lot.

My sophisto entourage began to arrive: Darren the Builder, Jamie the Australian of Abnormal Height and Raquel, whose first name suggests her overall vibevaciousness.

The social rumble was rumbling. Something about the acoustics of the place. The bar was full, there weren’t many empty tables in a place that seats 175+ at capacity, inside and out. When it looked like only four people would be sitting at a table set for eight, the Hostess asked if we wanted to sit outside, but we stayed in to soak up the social rumble.

The place was LOUD and getting LOUDER and I was tempted to search online for a downloadable Deciblometer to put a number to the buzz. Almost seemed like there was a People Who Laugh Loud and Abrasively in Restaurants to Attract Attention (PWLLARAA) convention. 

At the table over, Darren the Builder was chatting with a couple and their two kids who were having a good time. Above the buzz of the restaurant - and it was buzzing loudly - the husband who I shall call Opinionated Chap offered his review of Clarks and Malibu restaurants in general.

For some reason the recorder on my Android was on and I recorded most of the conversation.

“Most of the places in Malibu are garbage,” the OC offered.

Yeah? I said defensively. Zinque? Ollo? Broad Street Oyster Co? Geoffreys? Sunset? Garbage?

Garbage. Those places are all drawing their meats and vegetables from the same suppliers. 

You’re saying Clark’s is a level up from that lot?

It's not the cheapest game in town, but this is the first reasonably-priced place where you get what you're paying for. 

How many times have you been here? 

Three times in the last week. 

What do you recommend?

The oysters are all amazing. The wedge salad is great. It's fresh, it's not overly dressed.

Luckys? What about Luckys? They have good French Onion Soup. I heard good things about the clam chowder at Clarks.

The clam chowder is phenomenal. I had it the other night. A buddy of mine is a big celebrity, a big influencer was in here the other night, Spencer Pratt. 

We had the best time, fabulous, amazing. 

(I threw up in my mouth a little at the mention of the S word. The guy lost his house in the fire like a lot of others and that’s a shame, but his finger pointing and name-calling and grandstanding is beyond the pale. Let’s just say it’s ironic that“prat” in British English “is a mild insult meaning someone foolish or behaving stupidly. It’s similar to calling someone a “dope” or “idiot,” and while not harsh, it’s a bit cheeky since the word originally meant “buttocks.”)

This place has atmosphere, and atmosphere is important.

No, it's a cool vibe and if they make it so that the locals don't have to worry about getting in, right, because there's so many reservations. If they make it casual, it'll do well. 

I mean, they got to be paying what? A hundred grand a month for this space?

Someone yesterday told me what Bui pays a month. Oy vey! 

Bui is garbage.

That’s a bold statement. I like Bui’s sashimi salad. Anywhere else Bui is an uninspired strip mall sushi restaurant but this is Malibu so it’s a level up.

It's garbage. That's B grade fish at best. I want sushi, I go to Howdys. 

So you think Clark’s is a level up from the rest of Malibu?

I think this is a great bar. I ordered a Black Label. It was 15 bucks, not $35 for a glass of whiskey. It's reasonable.

I did a review on La Nena, and I was surprised how reasonable the prices were.

La Nena the Mexican place at Point Dume?

Yep

Garbage. Reasonable for Malibu, but as far as, like, fancy? No. I also believe Lily's has been here for so long. Garbage, bad, it's all lard. Gives me a stomachache every time I eat. 

At that point the Hostess brought us a plate of sourdough bread. This wasn’t an overwhelming loaf of thick, asteroid-sized bread like Old Place, but the bread was fresh and chewy. 

My great great grandfather Mathias was best friends with Karl Marx in Trier. I’m half German. Bread is important.

The Opinionated Chap at the next table gave the bread a thumbs up:

The bread is phenomenal. That's a pretty good telltale, right there. 

Captivated by the Opinionated Chap, I was ignoring the entourage and the Hostess was hovering for an order, so we ordered. I had been hanging at Sea N Soul Surf Shop all day and sampling the local wares so I wasn’t as proper hungry as I should have been for doing a review. 

But my appetite matched my expendable cash, so that worked.

John Kozlowski had said good things about the clam chowder which Opinionated Chap confirmed so I ordered a cuppa that and the Hostess went around the table.

And then we engaged in fairly typical Malibu talk: show business and real estate and fire rebuilding. Jamie the Australian of Abnormal Height is an accomplished water cinematographer who had recently finished a Josh Brolin show about a kid who is swallowed by a whale. When that wrapped he went up to Hood River for some downwind foiling, but now he is back in Malibu, looking for his next job in a Hollywood that is teetering like everything else.

Darren the Builder lost a family house east of Duke’s and is absolutely determined to rebuild come hellish firestorms or high water swell uprush. He was recently featured in a story on ABC 7 On Your Side Investigates which showed some images of the house on the water he intends to rebuild.

Raquel is a farm girl from East Washington who has worked around the world. She had recently spent 10 days on Moorea and was looking radiantly tan and fit - a natural in a room full of expensively groomed and radiant women.

Jamie the AOAH had ordered four different kinds of oysters and when they showed up I rudely offered the only vulgar oyster joke I know: “They say oysters are a powerful aphrodisiac, but last night I had twelve of them and only eight worked!”

Raquel threw up in her mouth a bit, but it wasn’t the beet salad she ordered, it was the vulgar oyster joke. She excused herself perhaps to wash that oyster joke out of her hair and soul, and I noticed there were hand-washing sinks outside of the bathrooms.

Was that some kind of kosher deal, because I know they’re big on hand-washing.

Nope.

A COVID deal?

Nope. The sophistos told me that exposed handwashing sinks aren’t uncommon in places like Santa Monica and other locations outside of Malibu.

As I never leave Malibu I had to take their word for it.

Cleansed, Raquel returned and got stuck into her beet salad. She expressed surprise: “The beet salad was simple and with a twist that didn’t register for a few bites: Brie instead of burrata. Unexpectedly good.”

Jamie is a guy who spends a lot of time in the water, whether shooting movies or wind-foiling on rivers or free surfing or free diving. Malibu people know that water time = appetite. Jamie ordered that $28 Pan Roasted Black Angus Hamburger (Feat. Sauce Gribiche & Gruyere) and opted for the cole slaw over the curly fries. 

What showed up was a somewhat dainty burger somewhere between a slider and a Whopper - but closer to a slider. Jamie got stuck into it and said it was a tasty burger, but Clark’s needs to understand they are in Malibu and people here like grind, brah - they might want to upsize that burger a bit. 

If this story is written somewhat tongue in cheek, it’s because the clam chowder arrived also actionably hot and I might have burned my inner cheek a bit.  But after it cooled down it was a very satisfying, flavorful cup of clam chowdah. The sourdough dunked nicely nicely and came with sweet butter and salt.

Darren also ordered the clam chowder and had good things to say: “I don’t know how to describe this, other than that it’s delicious!” 

The dessert menu also tested the loyalty Darren and I have to Sebastien Pourrat of Casita Basqueria and his world-famous burned Basque cheesecake: So good, you wanna run home and slap your grandma. If she’s Basque anyway.

While Jamie and Raquel got stuck into the Chocolate Mousse Cake (Feat. Saffron Chantilly, Local Citrus, Dark Chocolate Crumble) Darren and I took swipes at the  Basque Cake (Feat. Cherry Preserves, Cream Cheese Ice Cream, Marcona Almonds)

And it was pretty good.

Because Malibu is early to bed, late to rise, by 9:30 Clark’s had cleared out by half and the noise level was at a tolerable level. I walked through the silent mall, found the stairs down to the parking garage and drove past bored security guards - thinking Clark’s deserved a second impression. There are a lot more earthly delights on that menu that need exploring.

This time with a better appetite and maybe that Android decibleometer. Does such a thing exist? According to Google, they do: Sound Meter and Decible X.

And now it’s Sunday, the ninth of November. I am at the bar at Clark’s, drowning my sorrows at the 42-26 a**-whupping handed to the Five Time World Champion San Francisco Football 49ers by the Two Time World Champion Los Angeles Rams. But that’s what happens when you’re missing your starting quarterback, two best defenders and wide receiver Pearsall.

The Social Rumble is still loud on a Sunday after sundown, and I downloaded a Decibelometer to my Android phone. I was at Zinque just before Clarks and these are the readings I got.

CLARK’S OYSTER BAR ZINQUE

John Kozlowski of Sea N’ Soul joined me at the bar, which gave me the perfect epilogue because he was a New York City Boy for many years working for Ralph Lauren. He had a house in Montauk and the Hamptons and John Knows Seafood. 

Taking the advice of the Opinionated Chap I ordered the $21 Clark’s Wedge Salad (Feat. Bacon Lardons, Hard-boiled Egg, Red Onion, Point Reyes Blue, Buttermilk Ranch) I chose not to add Three Jumbo Cocktail Shrimp for $12, but the Opinionated Chap wasn’t joshing, it was very good. An alchemy of textures and flavors. Pleasing. Didn’t angry up the blood.

John ordered the $34 Chicken Breast Paillard (Feat. Harissa Butter, Arugula, Fennel, Celery, Parmesan).

We sat at the bar and saw some familiar faces, some working behind the bar and others on the other side. Our guy was Chance the Bartender, originally from Kansas while John is from Missouri so they spoke of corn and locusts and tornados and football and muscle cars and other midwest kine stuff.

John loved the Chicken Breast Paillard and even snuck me a bite. After the Wedge Salad, I ordered three Slurpees: Duxbury Pond, Sea Cup and Blue Devil. That came with horseradish and other accoutrement, and they were fresh and wonderful.

John surfed that day and was cold and hungry so he ordered a cup of the clam chowder. And then he summed up the experience: “Malibu has arrived and is getting the place it deserves. Clark’s is serious, like those seafood places along the side of the road in Montauk and the Hamptons.”

A bold statement, but he could be right. Malibu citizens who aren’t afraid they will turn to stone by setting foot in Cross Creek Ranch might want to check it out.